100 Bad Movies - 97 - Bo Derek: Bolero

An Adventure in Ecstasy it says. I say you would need to be ON Ecstasy to enjoy it.

Bo Derek does not actually appear in the title of this movie, but given that Bolero is basically about her, being hot and naked/semi naked for most of the movie I’m putting her name there. 

Bolero, what does it mean I asked myself, and then google. Me, I had no idea, Google on the other hand (sweet sweet all knowing google), came up with goods yet again.

Bolero means :

1 - A Spanish Dance,

2 - Music written for the Bolero dance (which is a Spanish dance).

3 - A short jacket worn mostly by women…

3 brilliant subjects that I have been waiting for movies to be made about, this movie is gonna be immense!!

Starring Bo Derek, as a young woman recently graduated with diploma in an unspecified discipline who, upon finishing her studies is granted with seemingly unlimited money from an unknown source. I imagine it has something to do with family but it is never specified…

Now Mac, as she is called throughout the movie, apparently felt rather restricted while at school, and immediately makes her driver “Cotton” stop the car so she can run across the fields naked.

Bo Derek was born in 1956, and this movie was made in 1984, so at 28 she cuts quite a nice figure running across the fields pulling her clothes off like they are on fire. I was thinking to myself “2 minutes in and she’s already got her gear off, this might not be so bad!!!!” Unfortunately it wasn’t to last, she eventually had to open her mouth and speak, and the movie came crashing down around its ears. At this point it’s worth noting that Bolero was written and directed by John Derek, Bo Derek’s husband. I’m guessing because she was cast because she had the looks, and hopefully he wouldn’t have to pay her too much.

Basically the acting in Bolero, reminded me a little bit of The Wizard Of Oz, with a few exceptions. Firstly, The Wizard of OZ is awesome, Bolero is not. The performances in The Wizard Of Oz were perfect for the kind of movie it was, and suited to it’s target audience, children. Bolero’s target audience was more than likely men, old, young, married, single it didn’t matter, if your main brain lived in your pants then you were firmly in this movie’s crosshairs. In case you are a little bit slow, the acting was poor throughout, very poor. Granted it wasn’t helped by a storyline that relied heavily on a lack of blood in the uppermost vital organ to gloss over the glaring inadequacies of basic plot. (I have thought about this statement and can’t decide if it makes sense or not. I blame that on having just finished watching this movie. I know I probably shouldn’t but I’m going to leave it unedited, as an illustration of the negative effect this movie had on my cognitive abilities.  Or I’m making excuses for being a crap writer).

*Update - Bo Derek, Bolero has swapped places on the list with Alien From LA, and is today (03/02/2011) sitting at # 96*

Bolero turns out to be the story of Lida MacGillivery (Mac) on her quest to get laid for the first time, dragging her friend Catalina, who is also hoping to have her cherry popped, and Mac’s driver Cotton. The first stop on their journey is somewhere in the Arab lands, because Mac apparently wants her first shag to be with a Sheik, in a beautiful tent in a desert (every girls dream I’m sure). So she finds her Sheik, who just happens to be whiter than Vanilla Ice, and speaks with an English accent.. So the great white Sheik turns out to fail in the sack or sand as is more appropriate in this case, as he flies her to the desert to get it done, but ends up falling asleep while going down on her!!!

Virginity still intact she goes to spain, and falls for a bull fighter named Angel, who owns a winery (that Mac ends up buying) and some awesome horses (that he won’t sell). Anyway he’s pretty smooth, very Spanish, and fights bulls, meaning Mac’s virginity doesn’t stand a chance. Angel ditch’s the gypsy chick he’s been with since she was 14, and after a few encounters where the disgruntled gypsy tries to kill him and Mac, the deed is done, Bo Derek has the hottest line I’ve ever heard uttered during a sex scene “Even the pain feels good”. Mac is no longer a virgin, and now owns a winery.  

Not long after boldly going where no man had gone before Angel takes a bull horn in his groin, and fears erupt as to whether he will ever be able to love Mac again. However the only thing Angel cares about whilst bleeding from his man bits, is his dog, seemed weird to me, I mean call me crazy but if a bull horn had just threatened my ability to make a man horn, I wouldn’t be to concerned about my dog. But then I’m not a pet owner, and maybe the love can be that strong, I’m also not Spanish, and maybe they are just that macho.

So until the inevitable Re-awakening of little Angel, time is filled in with Mac riding horses, which she does naked for all of 2 minutes, I’m not going to lie I was disappointed. WELL what else happens…

The great white Sheik sends his minions to kidnap Mac, it seems he has mastered the art of, not falling asleep while going down on hot blondes in the desert, and wants to keep her forever. He loves her so much that during the kidnapping, and while loading her into his plane they don’t forget to strap a parachute to her back, and she makes her escape by jumping out of the plane.  Convenient.

Catalina loses her virginity to Mac’s Scottish kilt wearing attorney; even Cotton gets some action from a Spanish housemaid and the credits roll to Mac and Angel getting busy in the clouds!?!  The credits are beautiful for no other reason than that the indicate the movie is over, that I can write this up, and get the brain bleach out.

At 1 hour 44 minutes long, there is no denying that it is seriously long for such a bad movie, and it leaves me undecided as to whether this is an erotic movie with not enough story, or a porn flick, with not enough porn.

To finish up, and illustrate just how bad this movie is, I refer you to the awards Bo Derek and Bolero have won.

The 1985 Razzie awards:

Worst Picture and Worst Actress – WON by Bo Derek for Bolero.  Worst Director and Worst Screenplay – WON by John Derek for Bolero. Worst New Star – WON by Olivia d’Abo for Bolero and Conan the Destroyer. Worst Musical Score – WON by Peter and Elmer Bernstein for Bolero.

Nominations.

Andrea Occhipinti – Nominated for Worst New Star. Olivia d’Abo – Nominated for Worst Supporting Actress, Bolero and Conan the Destroyer. George Kennedy – Nominated for Worst Supporting Actor, interestingly he won an Oscar in 1968 for Best Supporting Actor in his role as Dragline in Cool Hand Luke (which is currently number 138 on IMDB’s top 250). Oh how the mighty have fallen.

To top it all off, in 1990 Bo Derek and Bolero were nominated for WORST PICTURE OF THE DECADE.

I don’t normally give a play by play on the movies I watch but I really feel that you people shouldn’t have to sit through this movie like I did, I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. If you decide to watch it power to you, just keep some codeine handy.

Next up on the list is 1988’s Alien from LA. I’m not entirely sure what it’s about, but I’ve seen a little bit of it and I can tell you right now, Ill be dosing on the Nurofen before I put this on as one of the characters has a voice to rival that of Janice from FRIENDS. Wish me luck.

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Like number 97 on the TOP 250 Movies as voted by IMDB users -

2000's - Gladiator - 

Winner of 5 Oscars including Best Picture

Starring Oscar Winner Russell Crowe

Gladiator [DVD]                 Gladiator [Blu-ray]