100 Bad Movies - 98 - Police Academy: Mission To Moscow

I was actually a little bit surprised to find a police academy movie on what is essentially a list of the worst movies ever made. Many people will be familiar with the Police academy series of movies and I like many people recall watching these movies as a kid, laughing heartily at the antics the gang get up to. I especially remember the hilarious talents of The Man of 10,000 Sounds, Michael Winslow, and wondering how on earth he could make all those different sounds.

While I am familiar with the police academy movies, I had no idea that Mission to Moscow was actually the 7^th Police Academy movie to be released. Released in 1994, 10 years after the original Police Academy and 5 years after the 6^th movie, City Under Siege, I got a few laughs out of it but that was it. I suspect there are a number of Police Academy purists out there that would definitely not be impressed with the 7^th instalment.

I really don’t know what to say about this movie, the formula was tried and true from start to finish:

The Ruski’s can’t handle a crime boss by themselves, they get help from the Americans, god only knows why the Police Academy gang get the call for help (apparently the FBI or CIA were out having lattes or something). Anyway Yanks fly in to Moscow, make dicks of themselves for the most part, before eventually saving the day and becoming Russian heroes.  

Now I’m writing this only having finished watching the movie about 15 minutes ago, and nothing really stands out, the movie wasn’t overly boring or anything, it wasn’t painful to watch except for maybe the “Sword” fight at the end. However it also wasn’t funny, maybe because it’s the 7^th Police Academy movie off the line, and I really wasn’t expecting much; Or maybe because sometimes humour gets dated and things just aren’t funny anymore. You think Police Academy, you generally think comedy, and unfortunately it wasn’t there.

One thing that did really strike me about this movie was the cast, and given the movie really isn’t worth dissecting, I’ll yak about them.

Before he got his head blown off in Enemy at the Gates, and before he started shaving his horns and protecting mere mortals from the forces of darkness as Hellboy, Ron Perlman played the bad guy -Konstantine Konali in PA: MTM. He’s is also a Golden Globe Winner.

Before he cut Anakin Skywalkers hand off, and then subsequently got his hands, and then his head cut off by Anakin in the Star Wars movies, as Count Dooku, and before he battled Gandalf and won, and roused the anger of the Ent’s and lost everything as Sarumon in Lord of the Rings. Christopher Lee played the Russian Commandant in PA: MTM.

While I didn’t visually recognise Greg Berger and Charlie Schlatter, I certainly recognised their voices.

It seems these 2 have found plenty of work as voice actors in years gone by, Greg providing voices for Video Games like: Many of the Command and Conquer Series, Call Of Duty, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, and more recently Avatar the game. He also voiced “Cornfed” in the animated Duckman series and many other animated TV series characters.

Charlie on the other hand has provided his voice to such projects as: Butt Ugly Martians (TV), some of the Metal Gear Solid games, The Rise of The Argonauts, Everquest 2, The Punisher game, and children’s cartoons, Bratz and Ben 10.

Overall, Police Academy: Mission To Moscow misses the mark. Yes it’s a police academy movie, and apart of that dynasty forever. However we have to ask the question. WHY? Why did someone think it would be a good idea to make a 7^th movie? Obviously the actors/actresses did it for the money, but surely the first 6 movies weren’t exactly gold mines were they?  Some things we will never know, but I’m pretty sure 90% of people who watch this movie will ask themselves why they bothered. I might even write a ballad lamenting my lost hour and a half.

Next up Number 97 on the Bottom 100 Movies as voted by IMDB users: 1984's Bolero. Apparently it contains atleast 1 scene involving naked horse riding so woohoo something to look forward to.

Actually come to think of it being from the 80's and given it seems to basically be a soft core porn, on a list of the worst movies ever made, im now starting to get a little bit scared about WHAT exactly is getting naked and riding around on horses!! Find out next time.

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Like number 98 on the TOP 250 Movies as voted by IMDB users -

1973's - The Sting - 

Starring Paul Newman and Robert Redford

The Sting [DVD]                     The Sting [Blu Ray]    

100 Bad Movies - 99 - Marci X

The first of our FRIENDS stars rolls into the list, like a rusted out lo-rider, with broken hydraulics and an AM radio stuck on the religious station. Lisa Kudrow stars in Marci X playing the role of Marci, A socialite with a rich daddy alongside Damon Wayans who plays Dr S, a controversial “Gangsta” rapper. As far as the worst movies ever made goes Marci X deserves to be on the list, I'm just surprised its not closer to the top spot.

Wow where to start.

Well I actually watched Marci X with my girlfriend, and well, after this I think it’s safe to say the next 98 movies on the list, I’ll be watching by myself. The first movie I watched, yeah the Turkish one, left me feeling like this list might be doable, it wasn’t good, but it was bearable.

Enter Marci X! At this stage (A mighty 2 movies in) with this movie only being number 99, I have serious concerns over what I’m going to encounter further down the list.

Now to the movie. In a nutshell the movie attempts to tackle the social issue of the acceptability of profane and offensive lyrics in music and to a lesser extent its effect on youth. In Marci X it's Rap/Hip hop lyrics that are under attack, with the main target being Dr S. Now I'm quite partial to a bit of Hip Hop/Rap so I thought this movie might amuse me… How wrong I was.

So this movie takes a light hearted look at profane lyrics in hip hop, lets put it in context.

This movie was released in 2003, taking a quick peak at the Rap/Hip Hop landscape  around that time we see that:

Snoop Dogg had released 5 Platinum albums

Tupac had been Dead 7 years, releasing 6 albums before his death 1 platinum, 3 multi platinum, and another 6 had been released after his death, 2 Platinum, 4 going multi platinum.

Eminem had released 3 multi platinum selling albums all of which were shrouded in controversy due to the theme’s and obscene language present in the albums.

50 Cent released Get Rich or Die Tryin in Feb 2003, by the end of the year it had sold over 6 million copies.

So if we take these things into account, and the fact I’ve only mentioned a few of the more famous and recognisable artists in the Hip Hop/Rap world, we see that by 2003 the use of offensive lyrics and bad language is not something that is going to go away anytime soon. In fact it could be argued that the same contrversial themes, and obscene language are the cornerstones of the multi billion dollar worldwide Hip Hop/Rap industry. Therefore when Dr S is copping grief from politicians for lyrics like “I wanna love ya in the butt” I’m thinking, In what world did the makers of this movie ever think that would fly?? I mean seriously, I’ve heard worse language on American Idol.

And why oh why would you make a movie based on Rap music, without any good rapping. I mean I like Damon Wayans, I used to love ‘My wife and Kids’, and I recall having many a good chuckle at him in Major Payne, but really rapping is something he should cross off the list of things to do and stick to listening to it, don't even "sing" along, just listen.

While on the subject of rapping Marci does it. That’s right Lisa Kudrow raps. Phoebe…. Raps…

Its not good people, lets not mince words it’s bad. Seriously, her rap about her purse, or her purses or something, I couldn’t quite hear it all as I was busy ensuring my ears weren’t bleeding. It did give me a new appreciation of Phoebe’s musical talents, as by comparison Smelly Cat is simply a piece of musical genius. Lisa Kudrow please never EVER rap again, for the sake of all that is good in the world, ignore Nike -  JUST DON'T DO IT

Well that was quite the tangent now wasn’t it, probably because the movie was horrible! There I said it, it’s horrible. Here is the movie for you in 1 paragraph.

Marci’s dad who owns the record label Dr S is signed to, gets sick. Crazy Senator goes on crusade to protect the innocence of children by hating on Rap music targeting Dr S. Marci joins crusade to save Daddy’s Company, confronts Dr S. She raps *shudder* gets to know Dr S, lo and behold they fall for each other. Dr S does something bad loses Marci, Marci cries, Dr S does something good, they get back together and the Crazy senator is defeated, rap music is free to keep on swearing. Of course the credits roll while they are pashing or something similar, I was way, way to happy it was over to focus on the details.

IMDB Trivia sums this movie up beautifully:

“Chris Rock was offered the part of Dr. S but turned it down. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Rock said "It's the worst script I've ever gotten... I'd have been happier getting an envelope full of anthrax."”

Next up is number 98 on IMDB’s Bottom 100 Movies as voted by IMDB users: Police Academy: Mission to Moscow. I’m looking forward to it, I quite liked the Police Academy movies when I was younger, hopefully its place on the list is undeserved and I’ll have something nice to write.

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Like number ™ on the TOP 250 Movies as voted by IMDB users -

1992's - Unforgiven - 

Starring Clint Eastwood, Gene Hackman and Morgan Freeman

Unforgiven [DVD]                     Unforgiven [Blu-ray]    

     

100 Bad Movies - 100 - Hababam Sinife Askerde

First of all, I know its been a long time coming, mainly due to my own personal laziness, somewhat because of Christmas and New Year celebrations, and a little bit due to keeping an eye on Brisbane’s flood drama, but mostly cause I’m Lazy.

Now to the movie, and I’m sorry to say the wait probably wasn’t worth it.

For one, its Turkish, and while I haven’t really heard a lot of the language, during the course of watching this movie I’ve found out that Turkish is not a language I really enjoy. Why? I don’t know. There is just something about it that irks me. So to all the Turkish speaking people out there, like the whole Turkish country, apparently I don’t like your language, Sorry.

Now with that out of the way, the movie wasn’t that bad. Don’t get me wrong, it certainly wasn’t that good either, but I think even at number 100 in the list its been a little bit hard done by, in fact could think of many American movies much more deserving of a spot on the list than this one.

**Update** If you check out the bottom 100 movies list on IMDB now, you wont find it! It’s no longer on the list, and the number 100 spot is now taken by a Power Rangers movie.

So Hababam Sinife Askerde is average at best, the story basically revolves around a group of guys, obviously in turkey. These guys are currently in high school, which is a boarding school, and it seems they are quite fond of playing pranks around the place. The main target of these pranks turns out to be the schools Headmaster who is also the father of one the guys. Go figure.

After one such prank, headmaster/daddy gets revenge by turning to an old rule book for educators and our pranksters end up with shaved heads. Its hilarious, so hilarious he even orders the other students at the school to laugh about it…

Now of course no prankster worth his salt would let that stand without retaliation. This comes in the form of quite the good prank. It made me lol, out loud even, and involves a type of acid (fictional or not I don’t know) that somehow can burn the fabric of trousers, without burning the fabric of an office chair, and without burning skin. This of course results in the headmaster/daddy wandering round school with his ass hanging out for all to see, sporting some form a Gbanger to boot.

And so the ultimate punishment is dished out. Turns out our pranksters have been staying in school for years beyond what is normally required in an effort to avoid mandatory military service in the Turkish Army. So… You guessed it…. Headmaster/Daddy rats them out to the military and off they go amidst the fear and tears to become soldiers.

From here I kinda lost interest I’m afraid to report, unfortunately when the jokes start to only make any semblance of sense when you can read Turkish the lol’s fade away, and your brains start rioting in the streets of your brain, because they have no idea why they are being put to work trying to decipher what your senses are bringing to them. I kinda get the feeling that this movie could have achieved the lofty heights of mediocrity but I reckon there is quite a bit that goes missing without a full knowledge of Turkish cultural nuances. Given that my knowledge of Turkey consists of: Gallipoli, Anzac Cove, They are the blokes that fought the Anzacs, and Galatasaray is a pretty decent soccer team. I really wasn’t in the best position to get the most out of this movie. In saying that, I have just read a review on IMDB for this movie written by a Turkish Bloke, and he only gave it 3 stars out of 10, saying "This Film Is Nonsense".

But anyway as with all movies following the useless/downtrodden, on a journey of self discovery through constant failure, they eventually buck up, and do something awesome a couple of minutes before the credits roll. Yawn.

One thing I learnt from this movie (apart from If at all possible DON’T watch Turkish Movies) is that Turkey has some reasonably attractive women floating around somewhere. I was surprised. I didn’t even realise Turkey had Women!!

That’s about all I’m going to say about Hababam Sinife Askerde so thanks for reading, if you were able to plough your way through it all. If you just skipped to the bottom then whatevs, power to ya.

Next up is number 99 on the Bottom 100 Movies as voted by IMDB users is Marci X, starring Friends Star Lisa Kudrow and Funny man Daman Wayans. Given how hard it was to find, I’m expecting big things.

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Like number 100 on the TOP 250 Movies as voted by IMDB users -

1941's - The Maltese Falcon - 

Starring Humphrey Bogart and Mary Astor.

The Maltese Falcon [Blu-ray]                  The Maltese Falcon [DVD]